This is the hardest letter I've ever had to write. (Total lie. I wrote one to Jim Haslett about 5 years ago.) I know it seems odd that I would open up to you in this way, so cold, distant, and impersonal. But if I saw you face to face, I don't think I could get through this (without spitting on you.)
After last year's Bears game, I knew one thing was for certain: Fred Thomas is a goner. Then came the draft, where I noticed we didn't go for a defensive player in the first round. But no worries, I know my Pay Pay (cuz that's what I call you when we're alone) won't let me down. Then came training camp, preseason, and the roster cuts. Low and behold, Fred Thomas was just like NKOTB: Hanging Tough.
But I overlooked that. I thought, maybe he sees something in Thomas that I can't see (perhaps a computer chip which programs him to not make a play on the ball.) I knew that no matter what, I had to stick with my coach and trust his gut. (Even if his decisions left me puking up my own guts)
Then came 0-3, which made me grow concerned for our game plan (and contemplate swallowing a bottle of antifreeze.) Not going for it on fourth and 1 in the Colts game...Going for it on fourth down versus the Titans with some crazy ass pass play instead of running it up the gut...Not utilizing Deuce before he got hurt...Not calling for the big plays down the field. (Shall I go on?)
Even with all that, I still had faith you'd come through for me when it mattered most. After watching Olindo Mare miss two field goals (when we only needed one to win the game), I knew that you knew that it was time to kick O-crapo to the curb. After all, he's 3 for 7 on the season. When I read about you auditioning other kickers (as crappy as they might be in their own special ways), I figured, "at least we're on the same page."
Then, my good friend Mother Hen sent me this headline from WWL's website "For now, Payton sticking with Mare against Seattle". Imagine my shock, horror, and disgust. I thought you knew me. I thought I knew you. But it turns out, I don't know who you are or the man (Haslett) you're becoming.
I want to believe you're the same Pay-Pay fans high-fived at the Dome, the same Pay Pay we lined up for to greet when the Saints arrived home from their NFC Championship loss, the same man who guided us to an ass kicking victory against Dallas in 2006. I need to know that that man is inside you (and not spending too much time inside some Gold Club Stripper).
I don't want to fight with you. I just want things to go back to the way they were. I want to trust you, but you just keep giving me reasons not to. Believe me Pay Pay, I don't want to lose (hurt) you. I can only pray that this Sunday night, we'll find our way back to each other (or else).
Love (Watch out for) Always,
Nola Chick
Dear Sean Payton, We're On a Break....
Testaverde? Playing? AGAIN? SERIOUSLY????!!!!
Since all the good AARP jokes were used up on Morten Anderson's return to the Atlanta Falcons, we'll play this one straight forward. Vinny "Don't Call Me 'Paw Paw'" Testaverde is back in the NFL and preparing to suit up for the Carolina Panthers.
The pathetic Pants are desperate struggling at the QB position, due to Jake Delhomme's season ending elbow injury and an injury sustained by backup QB David Carr during Sunday's game vs the Saints. Realizing they wouldn't have the fortune of playing the Saints every week, the Panthers elected to interrupt 43 year old Vinny's game of Chutes and Ladders with his grandson and sign him with the team.
Interesting to note, Testaverde won the Heisman Trophy at Miami in 1986. That's the same year Panthers rookie receiver Dwayne Jarrett was born. (If this were a soap opera, you know Testaverde would turn out to be that boy's daddy...)
Can I Kick It? "NO, YOU CAN'T!"
Looking for a new job? Got a strong leg and a good groin? How bout just one of the two? Well, then you just might have what it takes to be the next field goal kicker for the New Orleans Saints. The Saints are reportedly auditioning new kickers in light of Sunday's disaster at the dome where gimpy groined Olindo Mare missed 2 critical field goals. The kickers apparently arrived in New Orleans on Monday and will workout with the team all week.
The Lesser of Four Evils
Among the washed up talent auditioning with the Saints, the man dubbed an "Idiot Kicker" by Peyton Manning, former Colt Mike Vanderjagt. Vanderjagt is the man who turned on his team during a drunken interview with Canadian TV in 2003. (We don't know what's worse: the bad mouthing or the fact that he was in Canada...)
Vanderjagt, once known as "Mr. Accurate" became "Mr. Sucks Occasionally" when he signed with the Cowboys in 2006. He went 13-of-18 on field goals, just enough for a "Tuna" Melt-down. Bill Parcells kicked him to the curb in November. 
Martin..."You So Crap-py"
Among the other auditioning kickers, the man who replaced Idiot Boy in Dallas: Martin Grammatica. Grammatica, once a stud among pint sized players, has been ousted by three teams in the past five years: the Bucs, the Cowboys, and the Patriots. Martin's agent claims the inconsistent kicker is now "Grammatica-lly" correct, and has healed from his old injuries. 
(There are unconfirmed reports the kicker spent his free-time as an understudy for Corbin Bleu's character in High School Musical.) 
No...Not Again!
Former Saints Kicker Billy Cundiff, you know, the dude who missed two field goals last season, including a 47 yarder during the NFC championship game, is also hoping to put his best foot forward and secure Mare's job. According to the Times Picayune:
"Cundiff had signed in the offseason with the Atlanta Falcons but did not make the Falcons' final roster. He worked out last week for the New York Giants, and two weeks ago for the Jacksonville Jaguars, who instead signed (John) Carney as a fill-in while Josh Scobee recovers from a quadriceps pull."
(Damn, this is like keeping up with the bed hopping cast members on Grey's Anatomy!)
With options like these, Saints fans can rest easy knowing with full confidence our season is officially over.
BREAKING NEWS: Roy Williams Shows Pizza Guy some R.E.S.P.E.C.T. (But Still Won't Buy a Woman Dinner)
And just when we thought this cowardly Lion wouldn't face his critics...
Bloggers (including us Chicks), sports radio hosts, fans, and pizza dudes, have been bashing the Detroit Lions Wide Receiver over the past week for his comments during a radio interview when he admitted he's not into tipping his pizza guy (or buying his date more than a happy meal for that matter.) Well, seems like Ol Roy has seen the err of his ways. Check out his change of heart as told by the folks from aol fanhouse.
U Da Man!
It took less than one quarter against the Minnesota Vikings for Brett Favre to break Dan Marino's record for career touchdown passes. TD #421 went to wide receiver Greg Jennings on a 16 yard play. What was even better than the play was the celebration dance that followed. Brett hoisted Jennings over his shoulder in a move reminiscent of Patrick Swayze at the end of Dirty Dancing. (Nobody puts Brett in a corner!)
Dan Marino, the picture of class, reacted to the record breaking play by saying
"I loved holding the touchdown record for the past 13 years. But if someone was going to break it, I'm glad it was someone like you."(We're told he then thought to himself, "Now I got no ring and no record. WHAT THE F?!!!!!" and headed straight to the nearest nudey bar.)
Favre also holds the records for career completions and consecutive starts by a quarterback, along with most random appearance in a comedy for his cameo in "There's Something About Mary."
Pat Healy: "What the hell is Brett Favre doing here?"
Brett Favre: "I'm in town to play the Dolphins, you dumb ass."
National Foot-Bawl League
Jimmy: "Rogers Hornsby was my manager, and he called me a talking pile of pigshit. And that was when my parents drove all the way down from Michigan to see me play the game. And did I cry?"
Evelyn: "No, no, no."
Jimmy: "NO. NO. And do you know why?"
Evelyn: "No..."
Jimmy: "Because there's no crying in baseball. THERE'S NO CRYING IN BASEBALL! No crying!"
And that's exactly why we're not into the MLB. You see in football, watching a player catch a case of the waterworks is about as common as hearing the prez mispronounce a word. After all, who better than a Chick to relate to raw, uncut emotion.
Take for instance this week's announcement that Deuce McAllister would be out for the rest of the season with a torn ACL. During a news conference, Fullback Mike Karney got choked up while talking about the setback and its impact on his teammate and friend. He even admitted to hugging Deuce and crying after hearing the news. But because we understand the sport and the bond built between these players, we weren't once tempted to question Karney's manhood or brand him a wussy. Who wouldn't weep for Deuce for crying out loud!
In fact, Karney's not the only NFL player known for ballin' and bawlin'. Back in August, former Cowboys wide receiver Michael Irvin went from being coked up to choked up while making his Hall of Fame induction speech. And we're not talking a few sniffles and watery eyes. We're talking a full on Tammy Faye (Bakker) Messner, mascara running, let it out dude, kind of cry.
Then there's Green Bay Packers QB Brett Favre who proved his arm and his tear ducts were still intact after last season's win over the Chicago Bears. Favre got emotional during an interview after the game, leading some to believe he was ready to hang up his jersey for good. Turns out that despite his tears, he was a far cry from leaving the league. And it looks like his team is all the better for it.
Sometimes in the NFL, we witness a little tears for fears. Take for instance when the Bills watched their teammate, tight end Kevin Everett lay limp on the field after taking a nasty hit during the team's season opener. Several players, including punter Brian Moorman, admitted to fighting back tears as they waited for word on whether Everett would be okay. Some of them broke down in the locker room the day after the incident. Within days, their tears of grief turned into tears of joy after hearing news that Everett would likely be able to walk again.
Of course, it doesn't always take tragedy or triumph to get the snot flowing for America's tough guys. Back in 2005, 6-foot-6, 290-pound Miami Dolphins Rookie Manuel Wright showed the toughness of a preteen girl in pigtails when he broke down on the field during practice. What got him so worked up during the workout? Apparently, he couldn't take being yelled at by then Dolphins Coach Nick Saban. Wright had to be escorted off the field by a member of the team's staff as he wiped away tears. (Damn dude, you let 'Little Nicky' break you down? Now that's a crying shame!) So while it's true two wrongs don't make a right, one Wright can most certainly make a very big wrong!
So to sum it all up; Yes, there IS crying in football, and thank heavens for it! These players are real, their problems are real, and their emotions are real. Not all of them see this sport as just a job. Football is their life. And to those out their who'd rather classify them as punks for daring to show emotion in public, do what you must. Just keep in mind that while you're getting your laugh on, these so called sissies are crying all the way to the bank.
Is LJ Getting a Bad Rap for Bad Rap?
This video is allegedly the work of Kansas City Chiefs Running Back Larry Johnson. It includes a diss against Chiefs GM Carl Peterson and Johnson's teammate, veteran RB Priest Holmes. The rap was posted on myspace with Johnson's name attached to it, but he and his camp vehemently deny he had anything to do with it. Take a listen and decide for yourself. (Listener discretion is advised!)
Bringin' Crazy Back
Just when we thought that weed smokin', wedding dress wearing, fool of a running back was finally out of our lives, Ricky Williams has decided to compete with Britney in the category of "Unlikeliest of All Comebacks." The Paxil poppin former Saint will apparently seek reinstatement with the NFL after October 1st.
Perhaps we should take this opportunity to quote L.L. and scream 'Don't Call It a Comeback!', particularly since Williams is still officially under contract with the Miami Dolphins. He's been on suspension since April of 2006 when the league busted him for his fourth drug policy violation. (Perhaps he misunderstood the term "smoke the competition...")
The question remains, if he is reinstated, where will he play? There's a fat chance Miami will welcome him back with open arms. Current Dolphins GM Randy Mueller is the same dude who traded him off the Saints a few years back. (We owe you one Randy!) Still, there's gotta be some team out there desperate for a man who rushed for 3,000+ yards in 2 seasons with the Dolphins.
Before Williams is reinstated with the league, he must prove he's no longer intent to watch his career go "up in smoke." Once he's proven he's followed the NFL's drug policy, it'll be up to commissioner Roger Goodell to decide his fate.
So, what's Slick Rick been up to during his hiatus? A little Canadian Football league here, a little yoga instructing there, not to mention the occasional intense conversation with his imaginary pet goat Yule. According to the Associated Press, Williams' attorney refused to divulge exactly what his clients been up to since his suspension in April, or where he's been for that matter.
Stay tuned my friends. The Crazy Train may just be stopping at a town near you!
