For Once, Joe Not Tooting His Own Horn

Bobby Hebert did it. Morten Andersen did it. And on Sunday, Joe Horn will do it too. No, we're not talking about letting his hand linger too long during a congratulatory butt pat. We're talking about returning to the Superdome to face the Saints while suiting up with the Green Goblin to our Spidey Man, those filthy, nasty, "Dirty Birds," The Atlanta Falcons.
Hollywood Horn, known for his leadership in the lockeroom and his gift of gab, has been shockingly mum on the notion of facing his old team. Maybe it has something to do with his team's suck-tacular 1-5 record, or his even more sucker-iffic 11 receptions for 117 yards after 6 games. During a news conference yesterday, Little Big Horn made some uncharacteristically low key statements about Sunday's matchup.

"I don’t have the right with all due respect to the organization and those players. I don’t have the right to even talk about what I might do and what our team might do to their team. That’s irrelevant."

No smack talk from Joe? Say it ain't so! What happened to the soundbite machine in the pimped out suits we all grew to know and love? The man who's cell phone end zone celebration during a blow out against the Giants will live on in infamy? Has the Hotlanta air (or a Hotlanta hoochie for that matter) sucked the life out of him?
As bitter as we may be about Mighty Joe Horn's ultimate betrayal, we can't help but miss his presence on the Black and Gold squad. And don't think for a second Joe doesn't know what it means to Miss New Orleans.

“…I miss New Orleans,” Horn said. “I miss the fans. I miss the people that were there with Joe Horn. That’s what I miss. I love New Orleans. I’m humbled."

It almost makes you feel sorry for the guy, until you realize on Sunday, he'll be wearing a black and red jersey. Who knew the day would come when he'd be on the receiving end of one of our voodoo needles? (Oh Joe, it seems like only yesterday we were converting one of your over-sized jerseys into an adorable mini-dress...) So, in light of our history, we pledge to avoid your crotch area while performing our gris-gris ritual on Mini-Joe. As for you Byron Leftwich, we suggest you wear TWO cups!

We Chicks Love Our Gossip....

Breaking News on Reggie's Bush



Reggie Bush and his bootylicious skank-bag Kim Kardashian have reportedly called it quits! According to mediatakeout.com, Reggie's now getting his "muscle" warmed up before games by an unidentified blonde bombshell. The two have been spotted at away games in Tampa and this past Sunday in Seattle. But it was just a few weeks ago when Bossip.com published this picture of Hollywood Hussy K-Kard at the Saints v Colts game, servicing hanging out with Reggie's Mantourage.
With Kim out of the picture, Valtrex is reportedly no longer banking on a Reggie Bush ad deal.

Is This Bunny Out for Merriman's Carats?
courtesy: Bossip.com
San Diego Charger Shawn Merriman is rumored to be doing a little bed hopping with a Playboy Bunny. The Pro Bowl Linebacker was seen canoodling (my, how we've longed to say that word) with Girls Next Door slutlet starlet Kendra Wilkinson. (We wonder if he responds to her "o-face" with the "lights out" dance???)

Brett's Buzz Kill


Riding high on a winning season and a newly cemented NFL record, Brett Favre is now dealing with some less than positive publicity. On Good Morning America, his wife Deanna admitted to almost leaving him at the height of his alcohol abuse. She says she kicked him out of the house back in 1999 and threatened to divorce him if he didn't get help.
The whole story is unveiled in her new book "Don't Bet Against Me."
It details how the NFL wife overcame her breast cancer diagnosis. Deanna says Brett had her full support to put his drug problems in the book.
In a related story, Brett's reportedly coming out with his own follow up to the book entitled, "The Pre-Nup Made Her Stay."

The Boys are Back in Town

Fresh off their first win, the Saints returned to New Orleans with a little extra pep in their steps. It must have been nice to be welcomed home by the crowd of die-hards who waited for their arrival along an access road to the airport. In light of the result of Sunday's game, the crowd ditched the pitch forks, torches, and grenades they originally planned to greet the team with and just held up some black and gold signs...
Now that they've got the winless monkey off their backs, they can focus on the mission at hand: kickin' some ass! The good news is, they're not delusional. They seem to know just how bad they've sucked it up this year and that they haven't quite shed all their sucky skin. In an interview with the AP, Scott Fujita said ...

"The only thing that one win did was guarantee we're not going to be 0-16. "We still got our butts kicked in the beginning of the season. But I think we all sensed that the tide was starting to turn. We should have won the Carolina game and that left a sour taste in everybody's mouth. So I think things are going to start to swing here."

You tell em Vagita!
Just like the Chicks, they made no secret of the fact that Devery Henderson blows and couldn't catch a cold in the middle of the winter, much less a football in the open field. Of course, Center Jeff Faine was much classier about the whole thing than we could EVER be.

"Guys were making catches this week. That's the biggest difference. We still haven't abandoned what our goal is and that's to get back into the playoffs, and once you get back into the playoffs it doesn't matter what your regular-season record was."

Whoa, slow down big guy. First things first. We gotta win Sunday's game against the Falcons. We gotta fry them dirty birds like a 2 piece, spicy, white from Popeye's Chicken. We want to burn Deangelo Hall like he's, well, Jason David. Pin Joey Harrington on his back like Senator Larry Craig in an airport bathroom stall...Make Joe Horn want to rip out his cell phone in the end zone for one reason only: to call his agent.

(Yes Joe, we can hear you now. And no, we don't pity you.)

Saints Snag 4 in Power Rankings!

Don't you just love a misleading headline! No, pigs aren't flying, hell has not frozen over, and the boys in Black and Gold are not 4th in this week's NFL Power Rankings. They did however move up 4 spots to #26. The move entitles them to look down pointing and laughing at the likes of the Bengals, Bills, Falcons, Jets, Rams, and Dolphins.




Below is a look at the top 10 and our reactions:

#1 New England Patriots (Shocking!)
#2 Indianapolis Colts (Boring!)
#3 Pittsburg Steelers (Who Cares-ing!)
#4 Dallas Cowboys (Infuriating)
#5 Jacksonville Jaguars (Whatever-ing!)
#6 Greenbay Packers (Inspiring!)
#7 Baltimore Ravens (Not For Long-ing!)
#8 Tampa Bay Bucs (Embarrassing!)
#9 New York Giants (Manning!)
#10 San Diego Chargers (Encouraging!)

Click here for a complete list of teams unworthy of our time.

Oh Snap! Battle of the Cheerleaders

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A Special Message to the Atlanta Falcons....

Giants 31 Falcons 10

See you at the Dome, suckas!

Line to Go Down on Tom Brady Grows Exponentially (Tony Romo forced to pleasure himself)

"We are witnessing what Tom Brady can do with a special group of wide receivers, and it is awesome."
-Sporting News


"We want to have his boyishly good looking yet disarmingly rugged babies."
-Every Sports Writer in Boston

"Brady is throwing like a one-armed bandit, leading one of the most prolific passing attacks in NFL history."
-MSNBC

"I'm more impressed by his one-eyed bandit. Heeeeeey!!!!"
J. Garcia

"...they might as well start engraving his first league MVP trophy..."
-Yahoo! Sports

"He's about the only thing I'd put in my mouth!"
-A. Model

"The best QB I've ever had!"
-Randy Moss

"The best QB I've ever had!"
Gisele Bundchen

Saints 28 Seahawks 17

This may be taking things a little too far, but who gives a crap!!!!

NFL Week 6: The Chicks Break it Down

Thank you Bears, Bengals, Jets, Rams, and Dolphins... for continuing to suck. We could use the company.

Damn you Titans, for playing against Tampa Bay the way you should have played against the Saints.

Thank you Eagles, for proving teams can suck and still win.

Damn you Cardinals, for letting Vinny and the Pants look like Peyton and the Colts, right when Saints fans needed them to lose.

Thank you Cardinals, for letting Vinny and the Pants look like Peyton and the Colts. At least when they beat us, the QB wasn't a guy wearing Depends.

Thank you Cowboys, for gettin the shit kicked out of you.

Damn you Patriots, for kicking the shit out of yet another team.

Thank you L.T., for once again living up to your hype.


Tonight, it's Saints vs Seattle. God help us....

The Saints 2007 Season: Is This Glass of Poison Half Empty or Half Full?

Courtesy: Michael Democker/Times Picayune

What could be worse than watching your favorite football team follow a kick-ass season with an 0-4 start? Well don’t look at us for the answers. We’re just trying to survive this ordeal without losing a liver.

In our quest to find a silver lining on this black and gold cloud, we considered the following:
1) The Saints are just in their second year of rebuilding following the Ditka and Haslett coaching regimes. Between 1997 and 2005, both coaches produced a total of only two winning seasons.
2) In 2006, the stars aligned, particularly with our schedule. We played Cleveland and struggled to beat them. We managed to build on that victory in week 2 by overcoming a dismal first quarter to defeat the Packers. Then the inspiring and emotional homecoming game in the Superdome against the Falcons set the stage for the rest of the season.
We didn’t start out last year playing the Super Bowl champions. Things might be different in 2007 if we hadn’t gotten our butts handed to us in the first game of the season on national television. Then again, maybe not.
3) If producing back-to-back playoff caliber seasons was easy, wouldn’t everyone be doing it?

Allow us to keep our rose colored glasses on for just a few more moments. We go into Seattle winless on Sunday, largely due to avoidable mistakes, a permeable offensive line, an obviously rattled QB, and a groin-impaired kicker. (And a quick note to the FOX game announcers… it’s “groin” which rhymes with “coin”, not “groan” which rhymes with “moan.”)

Our only glimmer of hope is that the Saints are doing well on run defense. They’ve allowed an average of only 3.6 yards per rush, ranking them 5th in the league. Shaun Alexander, the heart and soul of the Seahawks' offense, has averaged 2.58 yards a carry the last two games with 93 yards on 36 carries. He’s also playing while wielding a cast on his left wrist.

Another concern for the Seahawk offense is that their key wide receivers, Deion Branch and DJ Hackett, are both out. This could put a potential crimp in their passing attack forcing them to rely more heavily on their running game. Our defense has proven, especially in the last two games, that they will do whatever is necessary to keep the team in the game. (No matter how much our offense tries to blow it).
So with all that said, will we win on Sunday? Oh who cares. Can we just show up! But we’ll go ahead and stick with tradition.

Chicks Prediction: Saints 21 – Seahawks 17

Note: For the preservation of our sanity, this score does not rely on points from field goals.


-Chick-A-Dee

Dear Sean Payton, We're On a Break....

This is the hardest letter I've ever had to write. (Total lie. I wrote one to Jim Haslett about 5 years ago.) I know it seems odd that I would open up to you in this way, so cold, distant, and impersonal. But if I saw you face to face, I don't think I could get through this (without spitting on you.)

After last year's Bears game, I knew one thing was for certain: Fred Thomas is a goner. Then came the draft, where I noticed we didn't go for a defensive player in the first round. But no worries, I know my Pay Pay (cuz that's what I call you when we're alone) won't let me down. Then came training camp, preseason, and the roster cuts. Low and behold, Fred Thomas was just like NKOTB: Hanging Tough.

But I overlooked that. I thought, maybe he sees something in Thomas that I can't see (perhaps a computer chip which programs him to not make a play on the ball.) I knew that no matter what, I had to stick with my coach and trust his gut. (Even if his decisions left me puking up my own guts)

Then came 0-3, which made me grow concerned for our game plan (and contemplate swallowing a bottle of antifreeze.) Not going for it on fourth and 1 in the Colts game...Going for it on fourth down versus the Titans with some crazy ass pass play instead of running it up the gut...Not utilizing Deuce before he got hurt...Not calling for the big plays down the field. (Shall I go on?)

Even with all that, I still had faith you'd come through for me when it mattered most. After watching Olindo Mare miss two field goals (when we only needed one to win the game), I knew that you knew that it was time to kick O-crapo to the curb. After all, he's 3 for 7 on the season. When I read about you auditioning other kickers (as crappy as they might be in their own special ways), I figured, "at least we're on the same page."

Then, my good friend Mother Hen sent me this headline from WWL's website "For now, Payton sticking with Mare against Seattle". Imagine my shock, horror, and disgust. I thought you knew me. I thought I knew you. But it turns out, I don't know who you are or the man (Haslett) you're becoming.

I want to believe you're the same Pay-Pay fans high-fived at the Dome, the same Pay Pay we lined up for to greet when the Saints arrived home from their NFC Championship loss, the same man who guided us to an ass kicking victory against Dallas in 2006. I need to know that that man is inside you (and not spending too much time inside some Gold Club Stripper).

I don't want to fight with you. I just want things to go back to the way they were. I want to trust you, but you just keep giving me reasons not to. Believe me Pay Pay, I don't want to lose (hurt) you. I can only pray that this Sunday night, we'll find our way back to each other (or else).

Love (Watch out for) Always,
Nola Chick

Testaverde? Playing? AGAIN? SERIOUSLY????!!!!

Since all the good AARP jokes were used up on Morten Anderson's return to the Atlanta Falcons, we'll play this one straight forward. Vinny "Don't Call Me 'Paw Paw'" Testaverde is back in the NFL and preparing to suit up for the Carolina Panthers.
The pathetic Pants are desperate struggling at the QB position, due to Jake Delhomme's season ending elbow injury and an injury sustained by backup QB David Carr during Sunday's game vs the Saints. Realizing they wouldn't have the fortune of playing the Saints every week, the Panthers elected to interrupt 43 year old Vinny's game of Chutes and Ladders with his grandson and sign him with the team.

Interesting to note, Testaverde won the Heisman Trophy at Miami in 1986. That's the same year Panthers rookie receiver Dwayne Jarrett was born. (If this were a soap opera, you know Testaverde would turn out to be that boy's daddy...)

Who Would You Want On You: Bush or Becks?

It sounds like the ultimate win-win for us Chicks but the people have spoken and there can be no tie. David Beckham is at the top of the list for player jersey popularity. The list, compiled by Yahoo!, measures popularity based on internet searches for player jerseys.
L.A. Galaxy soccer star David Beckham came in at number one, despite the fact that he's had more face time in tabloids lately than on the field. Two members of the Dallas Cowboys took the second and third spots. No, not T.O. and his ego. It was Marion Barber and Tony Romo. Despite stepping into a big pile of dog mess this year, Michael Vick remains in the top ten. The Falcons Number 7 ranked at #7 (appropriately enough.) The only Saint on the list, none other than our future baby daddy Reggie Bush. His jersey ranked 13th in popularity.
Click here for the complete list from Yahoo! Buzz.

Now That's Dope!

A group pushing for the legalization of weed in Denver thinks suspended running back Ricky Williams may be the answer to their marijuana wishes and chronic dreams. They've put up a billboard across the street from Invesco Field, where the Broncos play, which reads, "Ricky, come to Denver... Where the people support your SAFER choice." The group SAFER (Safer Alternative For Enjoyable Recreation) wants to get the message out that firing up a blunt is much better than chugging a beer. (Oh, so that's why they call it the Mile "High" city...)
Williams filed for reinstatement with the NFL earlier this week. He's been on suspension since April for a fourth violation of the NFL's drug policy. The group pushing to bring Williams to Denver insists he'll feel right at home! (Whatever they're smokin', we want some!)
In an unrelated story, concessions stands at Invesco Field are rumored to soon be limiting their menus to Doritos and Fun Size Snickers.

Meanwhile... Vick's Still Smokin', Rex Still Sucks, and Roy Williams is a Cheap S.O.B.

Mexico Pulls a Cheech and Chong
When life handed Michael Vick a major career hit, it seems he decided to take a major bong hit. The suspended Falcons QB has been placed on tighter restrictions by a federal judge after testing positive for marijuana. The tighter restrictions will force Vick to remain in his home between 10 p.m. and 6 a.m. and submit to random drug testing.
Vick submitted his pee-pee to the courts on September 13th, just weeks after pleading guilty to federal dogfighting charges. Legal analysts say the latest developments could impact Vick's December 10 sentencing.

Murdering puppies is one thing, Mike. But getting high, I mean that's where we draw the line.



Sit Rex. Stay. Good Boy!
The Bears finally got the memo that landed on all of our desks around this time last year: Rex Grossman is about as accurate as a drunk Stevie Wonder in a dart throwing contest. The beleaguered QB will be benched for this week's game against the Detroit Lions. The decision comes after Grossman threw three interceptions Sunday night in a 34-10 loss to Dallas. (Oh Lovey, if that's all you were waiting for to bench this kid, why didn't you just say so?!)

The benching means Brian Griese will start this Sunday. And in case you forgot, Griese's the guy who had trouble bringing a title to Denver and Miami...oh, and Tampa Bay too.




What Sound Does a Lion Make? "Cheap, cheap!"
Roy Williams may know how to make a catch, but that doesn't mean he is a catch. The Lions wide receiver not only admits he's a cheap date, but he also tells radio station WDFN-AM that he doesn't tip either:

"There’s no such thing as a tip. But I am really polite and I say ‘Thank you sir.’ … The pizza man knows, when he comes to my address, he’s coming for free.
If you’re on a date and she wants to go to a nice place, what do you do? I might just take her to the casino and get her a free buffet. If I did take a date out to a nice place, I’d take her to a nice place, like a Red Lobster or something. It wouldn’t be Morton’s or nothing like that."

Moral of the story, if your date with Roy Williams involves pizza at his house. We advise you not to eat one slice as there's a good chance the delivery man sprinkled a little surprise in the sauce.

When It Hurts So Bad

We see no need to reopen old wounds, revisit the pain, or retell history; we all know what happened Monday night. And thanks to some court ordered visits with a therapist and a cocktail of appropriately prescribed uppers, NOLA Chick finds herself on the road to recovery. According to a family spokesperson, she appreciates the many well wishes sent her way.

As for the Saints, well it might take a little more than hard drugs and a soft couch to get them back on their feet. Who knew the 31-14 ass tapping our team received in front of yet another national audience was just the start of what was shaping out to be a nightmarish week in Saints football? The news that Deuce McAllister would miss the rest of the season due to a torn knee ligament eclipsed even the gut wrenching pain of watching up close and personal as our team bent over and took it like fresh meat at OPP. Deuce will have to undergo the same procedure and rehabilitation used to repair a torn right ACL in 2005. Best case scenario, his rehabilitation is complete come training camp '08.

Will Deuce be 100% come the next season opener, doubtful. Will the Saints continue to honor their $50 million deal with a back who may never have the speed and power that made him among the best in the league? (Hard to say, but we certainly wouldn't have it any other way.) And say Deuce won't agree to a pay cut, will that send him packing to the Falcons, the land of all beloved Ex-Saints? Dear God we hope not. At any rate, it's time we come to terms with the fact that our star player, the guy who we all consider the key to victory, is gone for the season and has possibly played his last game as a Saint. And NO amount of throat coating booze will make that pill easier to swallow.

Right now, we can't help but think to ourselves, "What a difference a year makes." We marched away from last season's home opener 3-0 and shlepped away from this one 0-3. Back then, we were hesitant to believe the Saints could actually get as far as they did. This year, despite the startling evidence before us, we defiantly resist the notion that they can't make it to the big game.

We have two weeks to get our proverbial poop straight. Two weeks to lick our wounds, regain our focus, and get back to being the team we can be. Two weeks to pray that Deuce will make a miraculous recovery and that the Eagles will never again subject us to those Care Bear inspired throwback uniforms. We have two weeks to prove that we're still motivated to fulfill the promise of two simple words: Earn It!

As for you Reggie, it's time to put Hollywood on hold. Starting today, you've got some hellified shoes to fill.

Chick Chattin' With Deuce

Consider it a make good for forcing the Chicks to add 5 pounds in liquor weight since the NFL season opener. Consider it a shift in karma due to our sincere words of comfort to a distraught Falcons fan who bemoaned the reality that an elderly kicker may soon very well be the best player on his team. For whatever reason, (though likely due in great part to one cunning Chick's killer instinct), Deuce McAllister has agreed to actually let US interview him! (And surprisingly enough, we didn't have to resort to sexual favors...not that we're necessarily above that...)

That's right, we're "Chick Chattin" with Dulymus himself.... and we've got more questions than a preteen watching his first porno. The good news is, we're no selfish Chicks. We know there's something you die-hards out there have been dying to know. Well, here's your chance to get your questions answered. Just Email the Chicks your questions for Deuce. We'll post the answers to the best questions on the site once the interview takes place. Be sure to include your name in the e-mail so we can give you credit for your oh-so-insightful query. You can make your questions as professional or profane as you please. Just keep in mind, we're only getting so dirty with #26. (That's our story, and we're sticking to it.)

While you're thinking up something good, we'll start practicing our "serious reporter head nod" in the mirror. Not to mention, we gotta work off these liquor pounds before the big day.
Stay tuned...