0-4: This Time It's Personal

I remember one time coming down with a terrible case of bronchitis that kept me bed ridden for days, coughing up a lung about every 3 minutes, and wheezing for air. I took a doctor's prescribed medicine that not only made me nauseated but caused an inexplicable allergic reaction that triggered an uncontrollable itch, which was sort of like chicken pox but 20 times worse.

Those, my friends, were the good ole days.

The sickness I experienced today watching the Saints hand deliver a 16-13 victory to their division rival is something no modern medicine can cure. It is a pointed, effective, and quite penetrating misery. It is a blow delivered straight to the gut, that sends a wave of blinding pain first to the heart, then a little further up to the brain, causing a strange sense of delirium. It is an all too familiar pain, that my fellow Chicks and I believed with confidence we wouldn't experience for at least another 3-4 years. Yet, here it is again, just months removed from the high of an NFC Championship birth that left us floating on a cloud of shirtless Reggie Bushes, Calorie-Free Shrimp Po-Boys, and Bloomingdale's Shoe Sales.

This is like a replay of a bad movie with an astoundingly bad title: 0-4, This Time It's Personal. What makes this bad movie so different is that it's been made with an all-star cast. This isn't like a remake of Gigli with even worse actors than Ben Affleck and J-Lo. This is like watching Gigli with Meryl Streep and Robert Deniro; It just doesn't make sense. It makes your head hurt and your limbs go numb and your stomach turn. It makes you want to get violent until you realize that no jury would acquit you on a "The Saints Made Me Do It" defense.

To quickly (very quickly) recap today's events: Our wide receivers (that means you Devery Henderson) suck and we need a new kicker. Yeah, yeah, we know. Olindo was hurt. Not to worry, he sucks even when he isn't suffering from a groin injury. In fact, we'll take his groin injury any day over the torment of watching that craptastic 60 minutes of football. How do you clobber your opponent on time of possession, first downs, third down conversions, number of plays, and total yardage and still get your ass beat? These are some questions Payton and his gang will have to answer within the coming days. And while they're problem solving, Payton can ask himself why he even elected to have Olindo Mare attempt a 50+ yard field goal knowing the man is both sucky and injured.

So what do you do to numb the pain? You become the ultimate hater!!

The Chicks have officially declared this Hater Week for Saints fans. Why? Because misery loves company. If our team wants to stink it up, we want everyone else to suck too! So Ha ha to you Falcons Fans, way to blow another lead! Ha ha to you Bucs Fans, way to get your little bubble burst by the Super Bowl Champs! Ha ha Dolphins Fans and St. Louis Rams Fans. It could be worse. We could be 0-5 like you!

To our Saints, sadly, we still believe. Like the masochists we are, we'll be there for you next Sunday, pom-poms in tow. Let's just pray that this time, you'll actually show us the courtesy of showing up too.

Saints Go on 13 Game Winning Streak: Written By Overly Confident and Perhaps Slightly Delusional Chick

"Remember that time the Saints started 0-3, had a bye week, then went on to win their next 13 games, clinch the division, run the board in the playoffs, and go to the Super Bowl?"

That's the question we fellow Chicks hope to be asking each other in about 40 years during a weekly meeting of our botox/book club while our young, strapping Puerto Rican lovers strum "La Vida Loca" on acoustic guitars. It's enough to make us teary eyed. Can it happen? Hell yeah, getting a studly gigolo is easy when you're living off your rich dead husband's money. Oh wait, you mean the Saints thing. Well yeah, that can happen too.

But it can't happen without a win on Sunday. Fresh off a bye week, the Saints return to the Dome to tussle with a banged up division rival: the Carolina Panthers. We can all but "ga-ron-tee" the Ragin' Cajun Jake Delhomme won't be starting due to the major ouchy on his elbow. So that leaves Carolina's offense in the hands of David Carr. (Awe Santa, you DID get our letters!)
Carr's best known for being an even more disappointing version of Joey Harrington. Still, a world class player like Steve Smith has the potential to make the likes of Aaron Brooks, Rex Grossman, Brian Griese, and yes, even David Carr look like Joe Montana on a good day. And I think we all know what's happened to the Saints' secondary the past few weeks. (Wait, what is that smell? Oh nevermind, it's just Jason David getting burned.)

The good (or bad news) is that David is out for a while, which means look out for the return of Fred "Like Toast" Thomas. After putting in some quality reflection time on the bench, maybe F.T. will find himself up to the challenge of effectively defending a pass play. Sunday will provide the embattled Saint a fresh opportunity to earn back the respect of his fans (and his parents, who we hear have changed their last names to Thompson.)

Then there's the other black and gold elephant in the room, the loss of #26. While many see Deuce McAllister's injury as a major blow to the Saints offense, we see it as a point of unification for the team. What better way to motivate their teammate on his long road to recovery than by kicking ass like Amy Winehouse on her husband for the next 2 months.
Old Slogan: Earn it. New Slogan: Do it for Deuce!

(Should we even mention the offensive line? Or just end on a positive note?)
Oh what the hell, we're on a roll. So the Swiss Cheese O-line didn't look so hot against the Titans last Monday. (Yeah, we know, always bringing up old $hit...) At any rate, they've had two weeks to watch tape, rest up, and get serviced by a Bourbon St. She-male (if that's what they're into...) They were one of the top rated lines in the league in 2006. The faces on that line haven't dramatically changed, so why should the talent level? We'll call the Monday Night Mess a fluke (and, well...the two weeks before it too.) Remember, they've got new motivation. DO IT FOR DEUCE!!!

C'mon, we've all watched enough cliched sports flicks to know how this thing can go. Major underdog, inspired by some great tragedy, suddenly overcomes tremendous odds. Hello...the death of Mickey in Rocky III...the death of Apollo Creed in Rocky IV....Rocky being really old, wrinkly, and unintelligible in that last Rocky movie. Um, do we really need anymore proof?


Starting Sunday, it's the dawn of the "Newer", "New" New Orleans Saints Era. How can we be so confident? Because for N'awlins folks right now, 0-4 is like those southern accents on K-ville; just plain ole wrong.