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Don't Bash My Bush
Usually, when we hear things like "Bush Sucks!" or "Bush is a Disappointment", or "Get rid of Bush", the image of that ex-cokehead president who's ruining the world tends to pop into our brains. But low and behold, there's another Bush who's getting whacked by the media and the general public as of late: the Saints very own #25. No, he didn't start a war for no reason, give tax cuts to the rich, or play air guitar while people were drowning after a hurricane. Instead, he's charged with the crime of being one of the most gi-normously overrated first rounders to come into the league since David Carr.
Just take a look at some of the headlines from the last week alone:
"(Adrian) Peterson is No Bush, Which is a Good Thing"
"Saints: The Next 'Mr. Everything' has been 'Mr. Nothing' So Far"
"Former Trojans Tripping Up in NFL."
"Dancing Cockatoo Loves a Boy-Band Beat"
(Actually, there's a slight chance that last one may not have anything to do with Reggie...)
In light of all the bad press, we decided to open up Reggie's stat book for ourselves to see just what all the trash talk is about. So far, Bush is averaging 3.5 yards a carry, has a total of 244 rushing yards on 69 carries, and 2 touchdowns. He's got 166 receiving yards, and he's fumbled 3 times (two of which were recovered.)
Okay, so not exactly MVP Numbers. But do the numbers really tell the whole story about Reggie's impact with the Saints and his potential for greatness? Take for example someone like Shaun Alexander, who at the same point of the season in his sophomore year had run for 345 yards, racked up only 24 receiving yards, and scored two touchdowns. In week nine of that same season, Alexander rushed for a franchise record 266 yards on 35 carries. By season's end, he led the NFL in rushing touchdowns with 14 and was tied for second overall with Terrell Owens.
Sure Alexander was showing more signs of life than Reggie during the earlier part of that season, but he was also doing it with the help of a tougher offensive line. The Seahawks 2001 offensive line ranked 16th in the league that season. The Saints line is currently ranked 29th. That's like (counting aloud and using my fingers) 1, 2,3...I don't know, like a bunch of spots different.
Reggie's tendency to dance toward the sideline has likely done little to help his stats (and done lots to make me swear at a glass breaking volume at the TV.) But you gotta admit, he's showing signs of progress. The Offensive coaches have started directing his plays up the middle, running him on north-south routes, and helping him find his comfort zone as an inside back. This strategy, along with some solid offensive line play) helped Reggie gain 97 yards in last week's game against Seattle, averaging 5 yards a carry.
Something else no one seems to be bringing up is that the Saints coaching staff has seemed hell bent on using Reggie as one of their primary receivers. This is likely due to the consistent double coverage on Colston and the consistent suckyness of Devery "Don't Call Me Butterfingers" Henderson. Now that WR Lance Moore and TE Eric Johnson are stepping up as solid go-to-guys, there's a good chance Reggie will get more opportunities to focus on and improve his running game.
Bottom line: Reggie's got some work to do, we know this. But he's also shown glimpses of the Heisman Trophy winner we came to fear and love at USC. He's not the only Saint struggling this season, the whole offense is off to an utterly "offensive" start. Let's see how he overcomes team adversity this season before permanently filing him in the flop category. And above all, let's acknowledge that his abs are hella ripped and he is freakin' hot. Should that not count for something?
(I figured digging up Seahawks offensive line stats from 2001 should afford me at least 1 girly/groupie comment.)
So not to worry, #25. You'll always be #1 in my book. (Unless of course another one of your fumbles almost costs us the game.) Oh yeah, and drop that Kardashian chick. She's got to be hiding some negative energy in all that ba-donk-a-donk...)
For Once, Joe Not Tooting His Own Horn
Bobby Hebert did it. Morten Andersen did it. And on Sunday, Joe Horn will do it too. No, we're not talking about letting his hand linger too long during a congratulatory butt pat. We're talking about returning to the Superdome to face the Saints while suiting up with the Green Goblin to our Spidey Man, those filthy, nasty, "Dirty Birds," The Atlanta Falcons.
Hollywood Horn, known for his leadership in the lockeroom and his gift of gab, has been shockingly mum on the notion of facing his old team. Maybe it has something to do with his team's suck-tacular 1-5 record, or his even more sucker-iffic 11 receptions for 117 yards after 6 games. During a news conference yesterday, Little Big Horn made some uncharacteristically low key statements about Sunday's matchup.
"I don’t have the right with all due respect to the organization and those players. I don’t have the right to even talk about what I might do and what our team might do to their team. That’s irrelevant."
No smack talk from Joe? Say it ain't so! What happened to the soundbite machine in the pimped out suits we all grew to know and love? The man who's cell phone end zone celebration during a blow out against the Giants will live on in infamy? Has the Hotlanta air (or a Hotlanta hoochie for that matter) sucked the life out of him?
As bitter as we may be about Mighty Joe Horn's ultimate betrayal, we can't help but miss his presence on the Black and Gold squad. And don't think for a second Joe doesn't know what it means to Miss New Orleans.
“…I miss New Orleans,” Horn said. “I miss the fans. I miss the people that were there with Joe Horn. That’s what I miss. I love New Orleans. I’m humbled."
It almost makes you feel sorry for the guy, until you realize on Sunday, he'll be wearing a black and red jersey. Who knew the day would come when he'd be on the receiving end of one of our voodoo needles? (Oh Joe, it seems like only yesterday we were converting one of your over-sized jerseys into an adorable mini-dress...) So, in light of our history, we pledge to avoid your crotch area while performing our gris-gris ritual on Mini-Joe. As for you Byron Leftwich, we suggest you wear TWO cups!
We Chicks Love Our Gossip....
Breaking News on Reggie's Bush
Reggie Bush and his bootylicious skank-bag Kim Kardashian have reportedly called it quits! According to mediatakeout.com, Reggie's now getting his "muscle" warmed up before games by an unidentified blonde bombshell. 
The two have been spotted at away games in Tampa and this past Sunday in Seattle. But it was just a few weeks ago when Bossip.com published this picture of Hollywood Hussy K-Kard at the Saints v Colts game, servicing hanging out with Reggie's Mantourage.
With Kim out of the picture, Valtrex is reportedly no longer banking on a Reggie Bush ad deal.
Is This Bunny Out for Merriman's Carats? 
courtesy: Bossip.com
San Diego Charger Shawn Merriman is rumored to be doing a little bed hopping with a Playboy Bunny. The Pro Bowl Linebacker was seen canoodling (my, how we've longed to say that word) with Girls Next Door slutlet starlet Kendra Wilkinson. (We wonder if he responds to her "o-face" with the "lights out" dance???)
Brett's Buzz Kill
Riding high on a winning season and a newly cemented NFL record, Brett Favre is now dealing with some less than positive publicity. On Good Morning America, his wife Deanna admitted to almost leaving him at the height of his alcohol abuse. She says she kicked him out of the house back in 1999 and threatened to divorce him if he didn't get help.
The whole story is unveiled in her new book "Don't Bet Against Me."
It details how the NFL wife overcame her breast cancer diagnosis. Deanna says Brett had her full support to put his drug problems in the book.
In a related story, Brett's reportedly coming out with his own follow up to the book entitled, "The Pre-Nup Made Her Stay."
The Boys are Back in Town
Fresh off their first win, the Saints returned to New Orleans with a little extra pep in their steps. It must have been nice to be welcomed home by the crowd of die-hards who waited for their arrival along an access road to the airport. In light of the result of Sunday's game, the crowd ditched the pitch forks, torches, and grenades they originally planned to greet the team with and just held up some black and gold signs...
Now that they've got the winless monkey off their backs, they can focus on the mission at hand: kickin' some ass! The good news is, they're not delusional. They seem to know just how bad they've sucked it up this year and that they haven't quite shed all their sucky skin. In an interview with the AP, Scott Fujita said ...
"The only thing that one win did was guarantee we're not going to be 0-16. "We still got our butts kicked in the beginning of the season. But I think we all sensed that the tide was starting to turn. We should have won the Carolina game and that left a sour taste in everybody's mouth. So I think things are going to start to swing here."You tell em Vagita!
Just like the Chicks, they made no secret of the fact that Devery Henderson blows and couldn't catch a cold in the middle of the winter, much less a football in the open field. Of course, Center Jeff Faine was much classier about the whole thing than we could EVER be.
"Guys were making catches this week. That's the biggest difference. We still haven't abandoned what our goal is and that's to get back into the playoffs, and once you get back into the playoffs it doesn't matter what your regular-season record was."
Whoa, slow down big guy. First things first. We gotta win Sunday's game against the Falcons. We gotta fry them dirty birds like a 2 piece, spicy, white from Popeye's Chicken. We want to burn Deangelo Hall like he's, well, Jason David. Pin Joey Harrington on his back like Senator Larry Craig in an airport bathroom stall...Make Joe Horn want to rip out his cell phone in the end zone for one reason only: to call his agent.
(Yes Joe, we can hear you now. And no, we don't pity you.)
Saints Snag 4 in Power Rankings!
Don't you just love a misleading headline! No, pigs aren't flying, hell has not frozen over, and the boys in Black and Gold are not 4th in this week's NFL Power Rankings. 
They did however move up 4 spots to #26. The move entitles them to look down pointing and laughing at the likes of the Bengals, Bills, Falcons, Jets, Rams, and Dolphins.
Below is a look at the top 10 and our reactions:
#1 New England Patriots (Shocking!)
#2 Indianapolis Colts (Boring!)
#3 Pittsburg Steelers (Who Cares-ing!)
#4 Dallas Cowboys (Infuriating)
#5 Jacksonville Jaguars (Whatever-ing!)
#6 Greenbay Packers (Inspiring!)
#7 Baltimore Ravens (Not For Long-ing!)
#8 Tampa Bay Bucs (Embarrassing!)
#9 New York Giants (Manning!)
#10 San Diego Chargers (Encouraging!)
Click here for a complete list of teams unworthy of our time.
Line to Go Down on Tom Brady Grows Exponentially (Tony Romo forced to pleasure himself)
"We are witnessing what Tom Brady can do with a special group of wide receivers, and it is awesome."
-Sporting News
"We want to have his boyishly good looking yet disarmingly rugged babies."
-Every Sports Writer in Boston
"Brady is throwing like a one-armed bandit, leading one of the most prolific passing attacks in NFL history."
-MSNBC
"I'm more impressed by his one-eyed bandit. Heeeeeey!!!!"
J. Garcia
"...they might as well start engraving his first league MVP trophy..."
-Yahoo! Sports
"He's about the only thing I'd put in my mouth!"
-A. Model
"The best QB I've ever had!"
-Randy Moss
"The best QB I've ever had!"
Gisele Bundchen
Saints Win Their First Game!!! As Told by the Voices in Nola Chick's Head
Fanatic Voice: Hell F'n yeah! We're going to the Super Bowl baby! The Saints are about to win their next 11 games. We'll go undefeated into the playoffs, get home field advantage and a bye-week. We'll play the Patriots in the Super Bowl and win! We're about to make history baby! Now if you'll excuse me, I'm about to go book my ticket to Arizona.
Cynical Voice: Whoa, whoa, whoa. They just won ONE game. They beat the Seahawks, who just got shut out a week ago. They're last in their division. They've still got some tough games ahead of them, including three away games against division rivals. This team would be better off losing their next 11 so they can get a nice pick in the draft.
Fanatic Voice: Are you kidding me? Did you see Reggie last night, blasting his way between the tackles?
Cynic: Did you see him cough up the ball?
Fanatic: Did you see that giant special teams play in the first series? Those big defensive stops? Mckenzie forcing interceptions. They're UNSTOPABLE!
Voice of Reason: While they probably won't win their next 11 games, it was good to see them look like the team of old against a respectable opponent. Not to mention it was a road game in front of a hostile crowd. They should be proud of the character and poise they exhibited in front of a national audience.
Fanatic: Would Super Bowl Tickets already be for sale on Stub Hub?
Voice of Reason: Dude, seriously...chill.
Cynic: I hear LSU's Defensive Tackle Glen Dorsey will go high in the playoffs. Maybe we can get him.
Voice of Reason: Oh C'mon. We won't get to pick that high.
Fanatic: I think Payton will get coach of the year again for the way he's going to turn this season around. And you know Reggie Bush will be a candidate for MVP. WE TAKIN OVER BABY!!!!
Cynic: Would someone get this psycho a sedative?
Fanatic: BACK OFF BITCH!
Voice of Reason: The good news is, we play Atlanta at home next week. We can really get some good momentum going.
Fanatic: Two words for you: WHO DAT!!!!
Voice of Reason: Yeah, you're right. WHO DAT!!!
Cynic: Um, you're 1-4. So four other teams, "dat who"...you losers!
Voice of Reason: Oh yeah. Damn!
NFL Week 6: The Chicks Break it Down
Thank you Bears, Bengals, Jets, Rams, and Dolphins... for continuing to suck. We could use the company.
Damn you Titans, for playing against Tampa Bay the way you should have played against the Saints.
Thank you Eagles, for proving teams can suck and still win.
Damn you Cardinals, for letting Vinny and the Pants look like Peyton and the Colts, right when Saints fans needed them to lose.
Thank you Cardinals, for letting Vinny and the Pants look like Peyton and the Colts. At least when they beat us, the QB wasn't a guy wearing Depends.
Thank you Cowboys, for gettin the shit kicked out of you.
Damn you Patriots, for kicking the shit out of yet another team.
Thank you L.T., for once again living up to your hype.
Tonight, it's Saints vs Seattle. God help us....
The Saints 2007 Season: Is This Glass of Poison Half Empty or Half Full?
Courtesy: Michael Democker/Times Picayune
What could be worse than watching your favorite football team follow a kick-ass season with an 0-4 start? Well don’t look at us for the answers. We’re just trying to survive this ordeal without losing a liver.
In our quest to find a silver lining on this black and gold cloud, we considered the following:
1) The Saints are just in their second year of rebuilding following the Ditka and Haslett coaching regimes. Between 1997 and 2005, both coaches produced a total of only two winning seasons.
2) In 2006, the stars aligned, particularly with our schedule. We played Cleveland and struggled to beat them. We managed to build on that victory in week 2 by overcoming a dismal first quarter to defeat the Packers. Then the inspiring and emotional homecoming game in the Superdome against the Falcons set the stage for the rest of the season.
We didn’t start out last year playing the Super Bowl champions. Things might be different in 2007 if we hadn’t gotten our butts handed to us in the first game of the season on national television. Then again, maybe not.
3) If producing back-to-back playoff caliber seasons was easy, wouldn’t everyone be doing it?
Allow us to keep our rose colored glasses on for just a few more moments. We go into Seattle winless on Sunday, largely due to avoidable mistakes, a permeable offensive line, an obviously rattled QB, and a groin-impaired kicker. (And a quick note to the FOX game announcers… it’s “groin” which rhymes with “coin”, not “groan” which rhymes with “moan.”)
Our only glimmer of hope is that the Saints are doing well on run defense. They’ve allowed an average of only 3.6 yards per rush, ranking them 5th in the league. Shaun Alexander, the heart and soul of the Seahawks' offense, has averaged 2.58 yards a carry the last two games with 93 yards on 36 carries. He’s also playing while wielding a cast on his left wrist.
Another concern for the Seahawk offense is that their key wide receivers, Deion Branch and DJ Hackett, are both out. This could put a potential crimp in their passing attack forcing them to rely more heavily on their running game. Our defense has proven, especially in the last two games, that they will do whatever is necessary to keep the team in the game. (No matter how much our offense tries to blow it).
So with all that said, will we win on Sunday? Oh who cares. Can we just show up! But we’ll go ahead and stick with tradition.
Chicks Prediction: Saints 21 – Seahawks 17
Note: For the preservation of our sanity, this score does not rely on points from field goals.
-Chick-A-Dee
Dear Sean Payton, We're On a Break....
This is the hardest letter I've ever had to write. (Total lie. I wrote one to Jim Haslett about 5 years ago.) I know it seems odd that I would open up to you in this way, so cold, distant, and impersonal. But if I saw you face to face, I don't think I could get through this (without spitting on you.)
After last year's Bears game, I knew one thing was for certain: Fred Thomas is a goner. Then came the draft, where I noticed we didn't go for a defensive player in the first round. But no worries, I know my Pay Pay (cuz that's what I call you when we're alone) won't let me down. Then came training camp, preseason, and the roster cuts. Low and behold, Fred Thomas was just like NKOTB: Hanging Tough.
But I overlooked that. I thought, maybe he sees something in Thomas that I can't see (perhaps a computer chip which programs him to not make a play on the ball.) I knew that no matter what, I had to stick with my coach and trust his gut. (Even if his decisions left me puking up my own guts)
Then came 0-3, which made me grow concerned for our game plan (and contemplate swallowing a bottle of antifreeze.) Not going for it on fourth and 1 in the Colts game...Going for it on fourth down versus the Titans with some crazy ass pass play instead of running it up the gut...Not utilizing Deuce before he got hurt...Not calling for the big plays down the field. (Shall I go on?)
Even with all that, I still had faith you'd come through for me when it mattered most. After watching Olindo Mare miss two field goals (when we only needed one to win the game), I knew that you knew that it was time to kick O-crapo to the curb. After all, he's 3 for 7 on the season. When I read about you auditioning other kickers (as crappy as they might be in their own special ways), I figured, "at least we're on the same page."
Then, my good friend Mother Hen sent me this headline from WWL's website "For now, Payton sticking with Mare against Seattle". Imagine my shock, horror, and disgust. I thought you knew me. I thought I knew you. But it turns out, I don't know who you are or the man (Haslett) you're becoming.
I want to believe you're the same Pay-Pay fans high-fived at the Dome, the same Pay Pay we lined up for to greet when the Saints arrived home from their NFC Championship loss, the same man who guided us to an ass kicking victory against Dallas in 2006. I need to know that that man is inside you (and not spending too much time inside some Gold Club Stripper).
I don't want to fight with you. I just want things to go back to the way they were. I want to trust you, but you just keep giving me reasons not to. Believe me Pay Pay, I don't want to lose (hurt) you. I can only pray that this Sunday night, we'll find our way back to each other (or else).
Love (Watch out for) Always,
Nola Chick
Testaverde? Playing? AGAIN? SERIOUSLY????!!!!
Since all the good AARP jokes were used up on Morten Anderson's return to the Atlanta Falcons, we'll play this one straight forward. Vinny "Don't Call Me 'Paw Paw'" Testaverde is back in the NFL and preparing to suit up for the Carolina Panthers.
The pathetic Pants are desperate struggling at the QB position, due to Jake Delhomme's season ending elbow injury and an injury sustained by backup QB David Carr during Sunday's game vs the Saints. Realizing they wouldn't have the fortune of playing the Saints every week, the Panthers elected to interrupt 43 year old Vinny's game of Chutes and Ladders with his grandson and sign him with the team.
Interesting to note, Testaverde won the Heisman Trophy at Miami in 1986. That's the same year Panthers rookie receiver Dwayne Jarrett was born. (If this were a soap opera, you know Testaverde would turn out to be that boy's daddy...)
It's Not Nice to Make Fun of Blind People, BUT...
...even the man upstairs would give the thumbs up to mocking Donovan McNabb's "heartfelt" delivery in this PSA for the visually and hearing impaired.
Is it his fourth grade book report speech pattern that does it for us? The fact that he's obviously reading the lines off a cue card? Or the penis-esque shape of his head? You be the judge!
Waste Time with Reggie
Got a little extra time at work? Sick of checking your email only to find an empty inbox? Don't make the mistake of downloading porn to make the hours fly by. (Your I.T. guy's been waiting for you to slip up...)
Reggie Bush is ready to help you enhance your zone out routine. Just check out thereggiemix.com. The website, sponsored by Pepsi, lets you create your own Reggie highlight reel using video, special effects, and music. You'll look so busy and intense trying to get the video just right, your boss won't help but think you're working hard on that report. Plus, it'll make the time fly by a lot faster than staring at the computer (or secretly updating your blog...not that we'd know anything about that...)
Can I Kick It? "NO, YOU CAN'T!"
Looking for a new job? Got a strong leg and a good groin? How bout just one of the two? Well, then you just might have what it takes to be the next field goal kicker for the New Orleans Saints. The Saints are reportedly auditioning new kickers in light of Sunday's disaster at the dome where gimpy groined Olindo Mare missed 2 critical field goals. The kickers apparently arrived in New Orleans on Monday and will workout with the team all week.
The Lesser of Four Evils
Among the washed up talent auditioning with the Saints, the man dubbed an "Idiot Kicker" by Peyton Manning, former Colt Mike Vanderjagt. Vanderjagt is the man who turned on his team during a drunken interview with Canadian TV in 2003. (We don't know what's worse: the bad mouthing or the fact that he was in Canada...)
Vanderjagt, once known as "Mr. Accurate" became "Mr. Sucks Occasionally" when he signed with the Cowboys in 2006. He went 13-of-18 on field goals, just enough for a "Tuna" Melt-down. Bill Parcells kicked him to the curb in November. 
Martin..."You So Crap-py"
Among the other auditioning kickers, the man who replaced Idiot Boy in Dallas: Martin Grammatica. Grammatica, once a stud among pint sized players, has been ousted by three teams in the past five years: the Bucs, the Cowboys, and the Patriots. Martin's agent claims the inconsistent kicker is now "Grammatica-lly" correct, and has healed from his old injuries. 
(There are unconfirmed reports the kicker spent his free-time as an understudy for Corbin Bleu's character in High School Musical.) 
No...Not Again!
Former Saints Kicker Billy Cundiff, you know, the dude who missed two field goals last season, including a 47 yarder during the NFC championship game, is also hoping to put his best foot forward and secure Mare's job. According to the Times Picayune:
"Cundiff had signed in the offseason with the Atlanta Falcons but did not make the Falcons' final roster. He worked out last week for the New York Giants, and two weeks ago for the Jacksonville Jaguars, who instead signed (John) Carney as a fill-in while Josh Scobee recovers from a quadriceps pull."
(Damn, this is like keeping up with the bed hopping cast members on Grey's Anatomy!)
With options like these, Saints fans can rest easy knowing with full confidence our season is officially over.
Cowboys Shock Bills in Final Minutes!!!!! In unrelated news, suicide rate triples in Buffalo...
The only thing that would have made the Bills 25-24 MNF loss to the Cowboys more painful would have been if the Saints had been on the receiving end of fate's cruel hand. Mr. Carrie Underwood (aka Tony Romo) got picked off 5 times in a night of football way too exciting to actually be a Cowboys/Bills Game.
The Bills were kickin' ass up and down the field. (That's not a typo my friends; The BILLS were kickin ass.) Following a series of unprecedented (see: F'd up) events, it came down to a 52 yard field goal. Cowboys kicker Nick Folk scored the game winning kick not once, but twice. Meanwhile, Bills fans everywhere reached for the nearest sharp object.
For more game highlights click here, or just let our boy Denny sum it up. (And be sure to replace the word "Bears" with "Cowboys" to get the full effect.)
Sure LSU's #1. But Who's #120?
"Bring me your LA Monroes, your Florida Internationals, and your Western Michigans... "
A new website is putting an end to "rankism" in college football, letting fans of little known (see: extra sucky) teams know where they stand. Rival.com lists the rankings of every major college football team in the country...all 120 of them. The rankings are released every Monday at 1:20pm.
Now Tulane Fans can get to making those "We're #113" signs to hold up as bragging rights. Take that you #119 North Texas losers!
NFL Week 5: The Chicks Break it Down
Observations from around the league:
Thank you Atlanta, for being the losers we knew you could be.
So much for the quarterback controversy in Arizona. The Cardinals won the game against the Rams, but lost starting QB Matt Leinart to a fractured collared bone. This makes him the 3rd starting quarterback in the NFC West to get sidelined due to injury. Meanwhile, Seahawks starting QB Matt Hassleback was diagnosed with a bruised ego after yesterday's shutout against the Steelers.
Could L.T. and the Chargers have gotten their groove back or are the Broncos just a bunch of suck bags who can't move the ball? (Survey says: Too close to call!)
Awe Detroit, it was just like old times!
The Packers lost to the Bears, but at least Favre tied another record! Oh wait, it was for career interceptions. Nevermind...
If the Patriots would just loan the Saints at least 10 of their points every week, we'd be all good!
Tonight's Monday Night Matchup will pitt Dallas vs Buffalo. In other words, we'll all get a chance to finally catch up on Heroes.
0-4: This Time It's Personal
I remember one time coming down with a terrible case of bronchitis that kept me bed ridden for days, coughing up a lung about every 3 minutes, and wheezing for air. I took a doctor's prescribed medicine that not only made me nauseated but caused an inexplicable allergic reaction that triggered an uncontrollable itch, which was sort of like chicken pox but 20 times worse.
Those, my friends, were the good ole days.
The sickness I experienced today watching the Saints hand deliver a 16-13 victory to their division rival is something no modern medicine can cure. It is a pointed, effective, and quite penetrating misery. It is a blow delivered straight to the gut, that sends a wave of blinding pain first to the heart, then a little further up to the brain, causing a strange sense of delirium. It is an all too familiar pain, that my fellow Chicks and I believed with confidence we wouldn't experience for at least another 3-4 years. Yet, here it is again, just months removed from the high of an NFC Championship birth that left us floating on a cloud of shirtless Reggie Bushes, Calorie-Free Shrimp Po-Boys, and Bloomingdale's Shoe Sales.
This is like a replay of a bad movie with an astoundingly bad title: 0-4, This Time It's Personal. What makes this bad movie so different is that it's been made with an all-star cast. This isn't like a remake of Gigli with even worse actors than Ben Affleck and J-Lo. This is like watching Gigli with Meryl Streep and Robert Deniro; It just doesn't make sense. It makes your head hurt and your limbs go numb and your stomach turn. It makes you want to get violent until you realize that no jury would acquit you on a "The Saints Made Me Do It" defense.
To quickly (very quickly) recap today's events: Our wide receivers (that means you Devery Henderson) suck and we need a new kicker. Yeah, yeah, we know. Olindo was hurt. Not to worry, he sucks even when he isn't suffering from a groin injury. In fact, we'll take his groin injury any day over the torment of watching that craptastic 60 minutes of football. How do you clobber your opponent on time of possession, first downs, third down conversions, number of plays, and total yardage and still get your ass beat? These are some questions Payton and his gang will have to answer within the coming days. And while they're problem solving, Payton can ask himself why he even elected to have Olindo Mare attempt a 50+ yard field goal knowing the man is both sucky and injured.
So what do you do to numb the pain? You become the ultimate hater!!
The Chicks have officially declared this Hater Week for Saints fans. Why? Because misery loves company. If our team wants to stink it up, we want everyone else to suck too! So Ha ha to you Falcons Fans, way to blow another lead! Ha ha to you Bucs Fans, way to get your little bubble burst by the Super Bowl Champs! Ha ha Dolphins Fans and St. Louis Rams Fans. It could be worse. We could be 0-5 like you!
To our Saints, sadly, we still believe. Like the masochists we are, we'll be there for you next Sunday, pom-poms in tow. Let's just pray that this time, you'll actually show us the courtesy of showing up too.
Panthers V Saints: First Half Notes
-First and foremost, the Chicks hereby order a sniper to infiltrate the Dome and take out the game announcers. Besides referring to Reggie Bush as "gimpy", they continually see the need to compare this year's team to last year's team. Well you know what, GET OVER IT!!! The 2006 season is over. Let it go!!! We fans already have and we implore you to join us!!!
-The sniper's second hit should be directed at the ref who called that b.s. illegal formation penalty which erased Aaron Stecker's touchdown.
-To Drew...Why have you forsaken us?
-To Matt Moore...Who the F are you?
Suggested "Locker Room Speech" talking points:
Drew: Get confident in that pocket. Don't force anything and allow the plays to develop
Reggie, Aaron and the Offensive Line: "You're holding your own. Just keep it comin' in the 2nd half."
Defense: Destroy this Matt Moore character. Make him wish he'd gone to the MLB.
Defense: As for David Carr, in the words of Drago in Rocky IV, "If he dies, he dies..."
Big second half coming up. Time to refuel.
WHO DAT!!!
The Road to 13-3 Starts Here
In less than one hour, the Saints march back into the Dome with their minds on one mission: Win a freakin' game!! They've had two weeks to find themselves, figure out this "invasion of the body snatchers" phenomenon on offense, and come to grips with the fact that people are jumping off their bandwagon faster than the wait staff on the Titanic.
The Saints realize that a loss today is pretty much the equivalent of launching their postseason dreams into a black hole...never to be seen again. No team has started 0-4 and still made the playoffs since the NFL went to a 12-team playoff system in 1990. Hell, 0-3 is long shot enough!
The good news is, they face another team in disarray, the Carolina Panthers. Not only are the Panthers without their starting QB, but we hear there's a catfight brewing among teammates in the locker room. After last week's loss at home to the Bucs, Panthers defensive tackle Kris Jenkins accused his teammates of lacking heart. The Panthers went on to hold a players-only meeting to discuss "dissatisfaction" in the locker room. (ME-OW!)
What better team than the Saints to take advantage of this "Ya-Ya Sisterhood" moment going on with their division rival. While the Panthers' defensive line holds each other singing "We Are Family", Drew Brees can get his groove back and get some time in the pocket to find those many wide open receivers. It's the purr-fect plan!
While our game predictions the past few weeks have been ridiculously off, we'll give it yet another go.
Final Score: Saints 20 Panthers 14
The Undeniable #1
It took one of the biggest upsets in history and one of the biggest comebacks of the season to secure LSU's spot at #1. Thank you Tigers, for giving us Louisiana folk something to trash talk about.
Who Would You Want On You: Bush or Becks?
It sounds like the ultimate win-win for us Chicks but the people have spoken and there can be no tie. David Beckham is at the top of the list for player jersey popularity. The list, compiled by Yahoo!, measures popularity based on internet searches for player jerseys.
L.A. Galaxy soccer star David Beckham came in at number one, despite the fact that he's had more face time in tabloids lately than on the field. Two members of the Dallas Cowboys took the second and third spots. No, not T.O. and his ego. It was Marion Barber and Tony Romo. Despite stepping into a big pile of dog mess this year, Michael Vick remains in the top ten. The Falcons Number 7 ranked at #7 (appropriately enough.) The only Saint on the list, none other than our future baby daddy Reggie Bush. His jersey ranked 13th in popularity.
Click here for the complete list from Yahoo! Buzz.
Now That's Dope!
A group pushing for the legalization of weed in Denver thinks suspended running back Ricky Williams may be the answer to their marijuana wishes and chronic dreams. They've put up a billboard across the street from Invesco Field, where the Broncos play, which reads, "Ricky, come to Denver... Where the people support your SAFER choice." The group SAFER (Safer Alternative For Enjoyable Recreation) wants to get the message out that firing up a blunt is much better than chugging a beer. (Oh, so that's why they call it the Mile "High" city...)
Williams filed for reinstatement with the NFL earlier this week. He's been on suspension since April for a fourth violation of the NFL's drug policy. The group pushing to bring Williams to Denver insists he'll feel right at home! (Whatever they're smokin', we want some!)
In an unrelated story, concessions stands at Invesco Field are rumored to soon be limiting their menus to Doritos and Fun Size Snickers.
Top 10 Ways We Kept Busy During the Bye Week...
10. Some of us, who shall remain nameless (see: Nola Chick) had bandages removed from wrist slitting "accident" after Saints home opener
9. Learned we can bet like the big boys this football season, thanks to Hot Chicks Hot Picks.
8. Played a fascinating round of our own version of "Who Would You Do", thanks to The Big Picture.
7. Realized there'd be plenty of people in line before us at the gates to hell after reading comments on Deadspin.
6. Longed for the bitter, albeit colorful commentary of Grandmaster Wang.
5. Started pool guessing what Chef Who Dat would come up with for this weekend's throwdown in the dome. (Panthers Pate' perhaps???)
4. Found more "Who Would You Do" inspiration after checking out the Femme Fan "Locker Room Lookers."
3. Began the process of creating a myspace page, only to realize we're turning into our parents. "That cyber-net stuff is scary, baby. Just give me my abacus and I'm good"
2. Appeared as the top vote getting article on armchairgm.com. (BTW, it's not too late to vote for us!) And from the looks of the comments, it seems like these Chicks ruffled a few feathers with our 13-3 Saints prediction.
1. Found inspiration to create our own t-shirts featuring the Saints unofficial new slogan: Do It For Deuce!
We'll wrap things up this week by sending Matt Leinart a "Your Welcome" card for letting him borrow our old "I was too drunk to remember" excuse.
BREAKING NEWS: Roy Williams Shows Pizza Guy some R.E.S.P.E.C.T. (But Still Won't Buy a Woman Dinner)
And just when we thought this cowardly Lion wouldn't face his critics...
Bloggers (including us Chicks), sports radio hosts, fans, and pizza dudes, have been bashing the Detroit Lions Wide Receiver over the past week for his comments during a radio interview when he admitted he's not into tipping his pizza guy (or buying his date more than a happy meal for that matter.) Well, seems like Ol Roy has seen the err of his ways. Check out his change of heart as told by the folks from aol fanhouse.
Saints Go on 13 Game Winning Streak: Written By Overly Confident and Perhaps Slightly Delusional Chick
"Remember that time the Saints started 0-3, had a bye week, then went on to win their next 13 games, clinch the division, run the board in the playoffs, and go to the Super Bowl?"
That's the question we fellow Chicks hope to be asking each other in about 40 years during a weekly meeting of our botox/book club while our young, strapping Puerto Rican lovers strum "La Vida Loca" on acoustic guitars. It's enough to make us teary eyed. Can it happen? Hell yeah, getting a studly gigolo is easy when you're living off your rich dead husband's money. Oh wait, you mean the Saints thing. Well yeah, that can happen too.
But it can't happen without a win on Sunday. Fresh off a bye week, the Saints return to the Dome to tussle with a banged up division rival: the Carolina Panthers. We can all but "ga-ron-tee" the Ragin' Cajun Jake Delhomme won't be starting due to the major ouchy on his elbow. So that leaves Carolina's offense in the hands of David Carr. (Awe Santa, you DID get our letters!)
Carr's best known for being an even more disappointing version of Joey Harrington. Still, a world class player like Steve Smith has the potential to make the likes of Aaron Brooks, Rex Grossman, Brian Griese, and yes, even David Carr look like Joe Montana on a good day. And I think we all know what's happened to the Saints' secondary the past few weeks. (Wait, what is that smell? Oh nevermind, it's just Jason David getting burned.)
The good (or bad news) is that David is out for a while, which means look out for the return of Fred "Like Toast" Thomas. After putting in some quality reflection time on the bench, maybe F.T. will find himself up to the challenge of effectively defending a pass play. Sunday will provide the embattled Saint a fresh opportunity to earn back the respect of his fans (and his parents, who we hear have changed their last names to Thompson.)
Then there's the other black and gold elephant in the room, the loss of #26. While many see Deuce McAllister's injury as a major blow to the Saints offense, we see it as a point of unification for the team. What better way to motivate their teammate on his long road to recovery than by kicking ass like Amy Winehouse on her husband for the next 2 months.
Old Slogan: Earn it. New Slogan: Do it for Deuce!
(Should we even mention the offensive line? Or just end on a positive note?)
Oh what the hell, we're on a roll. So the Swiss Cheese O-line didn't look so hot against the Titans last Monday. (Yeah, we know, always bringing up old $hit...) At any rate, they've had two weeks to watch tape, rest up, and get serviced by a Bourbon St. She-male (if that's what they're into...) They were one of the top rated lines in the league in 2006. The faces on that line haven't dramatically changed, so why should the talent level? We'll call the Monday Night Mess a fluke (and, well...the two weeks before it too.) Remember, they've got new motivation. DO IT FOR DEUCE!!!
C'mon, we've all watched enough cliched sports flicks to know how this thing can go. Major underdog, inspired by some great tragedy, suddenly overcomes tremendous odds. Hello...the death of Mickey in Rocky III...the death of Apollo Creed in Rocky IV....Rocky being really old, wrinkly, and unintelligible in that last Rocky movie. Um, do we really need anymore proof?
Starting Sunday, it's the dawn of the "Newer", "New" New Orleans Saints Era. How can we be so confident? Because for N'awlins folks right now, 0-4 is like those southern accents on K-ville; just plain ole wrong.
Ocho's Sink-o
The MNF matchup between the Patriots and Bengals was eerily similar to last week's disaster at the Dome, except this time we had no inclination to swallow a bottle of poison come fourth quarter. Final Score: Pats 34 Bengals 13.
There was no Chad Johnson TD, which of course leaves little room for the uninspired H.O.F. jacket sideline celebration. Coming into this game, Johnson predicted his team needed to score 45 to win. Silly bird, you only need 35!
In the prophetic words of Milli Vanilli, "Gotta blame it on somethin'. Gotta blame it on somethin'..." Well, don't blame it all on the Ocho! Carson Palmer was off tonight...way off...way, WAY off.
And damn, doesn't that Tom Brady just look play so good? Sorry, we weren't able to jot down any of Brady's stats; too mesmerized by the clef chin.
Is it too soon to start the "Pats 16-0, Watch out '72 Dolphins" media hype? What's that you say ESPN? Not too soon? Oh, okay...cool.
Nice Suit. It'd Look Even Better Crumpled Up On My Floor...
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Now that we have your attention...it's time to give Reggie Bush something he desperately needs: A WIN! Since we can't block for him, or play call, or force him at gunpoint to run through the tackles instead of that sideways tap dance thing, we'll help him score a much-needed "W" off the field. He's our pick for S.I.'s Best Dressed Player in the NFL.
Reggie is competing against the likes of "initials for nicknames" studs like L.T. of the Chargers (who could also use some good news), T.O. (who couldn't possibly be in need of an ego boost, of any kind) and T.B. Oh wait, that stands for tuberculosis. Okay, we're talking about Tom Brady.
The top vote-getter will go head to head with best dressed champs from other sports come mid-November in a fashion face-off. May the best "metro" win...
Oh Snap!
Shouldn't "Mary" have been at the Packers game cheering on Brett instead of watching the Eagles get that ass tapped in the Big Apple?
A loss to the Seahawks and a bad hair day. Could it get much worse for the 49ers' Keith Lewis?
Devin Hester "Soulja Boy's" his way into the end zone. The Lions returned with a "Supa Soak that Ho!" in the fourth quarter.
You can bet Lions running back Tatum Bell will be the butt of jokes for a while after ripping his pants during a 12 yard run. Now if only we could find that extreme close up captured by the FOX Sports cameras...
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